Thursday, May 13, 2010

Cross-talking the Opposite Sex.

This is in response to Deborah Tannen's essay: "Sex, Lies, and Conversation."

Boys and girls are different Deborah Tannen tells us in “Sex, Lies, and Conversation.” Boys have the boy-communication thing going and girls have nothing like it (that whole ‘what they don’t have-thing’), so no wonder boys and girls are unfit company for each other, except for the whole sex thing, which is way over rated! Or let’s share a story about how boys are all Attention Deficit Disordered and incapable of intimacy while girls are so focused on their feelings they can spend hours talking about how hurt they are (Depressed). Or maybe it’s just that sports, video games, and the evening news is more important than hearing what some woman has to say after you’ve been working all day, presuming you (the older male reader) still have a job. My wife is a woman. I say this because I want to make it clear she’s female. It seems that bearing two children sired by me (or so we are to believe, but you know, as a male, you never really know unless you do the DNA test and who’s ready for that dash of icy cold water?) may not be hearsay evidence enough, so let me state it clearly and firmly and insistently — but not argumentatively, because even though I’m a man, I don’t want to obstruct our clear communication processes. (Did that hurt your feelings? I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings but I must warn you in advance, humans often hurt each other during the act of trans-sexual communications.) Any rate, what I’m trying to say — by the by, my wife shared a very interesting story with me this morning: Breast milk is Best!: “Use your titty and your kids go to the head of the class; use infant formula and it’s a life on the short bus!” Something about manganese? See it seems manganese is found in much lower concentrations in breast milk than in soy-based, or cow-milk-based infant ‘milk’ products. Excess manganese has been indicated in learning disability issues! Too much huh? I wonder if too much manganese increases muscle mass? Maybe there’s an inverse correlation between muscle mass and intellect that’s actually manganese-based. Could lead to (will you stop looking directly at me, it creeps me out! You wanna fight, Goddam it?!) a whole new field of study! We could breed (or at least nurture/develop) the ideal sports franchise, big muscley kids with learning disabilities. Get them right after they pop out and start force-feeding them Enfamil! Kinda like the pâté de foie gras we had when we were in France. Jesus Christ. Literally, they fed us pâté de foie gras several times a day! I began to feel like a goose, myself. Anyway, I was talking about my wife and how she doesn’t talk to me. See, it seems she says I’m too confrontational. She told me years ago she just gave up. I just wasn’t going to be the person she was going to talk to. Anyway, she tells me she just wants me to listen. She doesn’t want me to solve her problems. Hell, that’s nice, but I’m a problem solver. Give me a problem, any problem, and I’ll do my damnedest to fix what ails ya. I can fix your sink, your stove, your toilet, your sewer. I’m the poop specialist and I can build your house. I built mine! (Rebuilt it, anyway, but that’s another story.) Like I said, I’ve been out of work for two years now, (I told you that didn’t I?) not that I don’t work, Hell, I work non-stop, dusk to dawn, an (unemployed) man’s work is never done — and then she wants me to take all the initiative in bed! That’s asking a lot, don’t you think? I clean (sometimes). I cook (sometimes). I watch the kids (granddaughter, anyway). I get tired. At the end of the day, I just want to sleep! Is that asking too much?! …and there’s that whole ‘pleasing her’ bit, with her multiple orgasms and oral stimulation and 45 minutes of foreplay — that’s a lot of work and by the time I’ve spent all that energy and effort what I get? BUPKIS! A little squirt, if I’m lucky. It’s not fair, women get it all, and men get nada! Sometimes I think God is just another femme-Nazi man-hater! It’s not like it used to be, you know, where I got paid for the work I do!? So now my wife brings home the ‘bacon,’ and I read in the newspaper yesterday that that’s the new meme. Women work, men loaf. Up 77 percent they say! …anyway, the wife, she busts her hump all day, yammering away at up to 60 subordinates, five clinics, 22,000 clients, and way too many supervisors, vendors, what-have-you, and when she gets home I ask her: “How was your day, honey?” And she fuckin’ grunts at me and turns on the boob tube! It’s not fair! She just won’t communicate with me anymore and I feel horrible. I’m thinking about divorce! I guess men and women are plain different that way. Women just can’t express their feelings.

©May 10, 2010 Fred Dodsworth

If you missed my note on top, for context, here's Deborah Tannen's original essay: "Sex, Lies, and Conversation." or


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